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In the Media

Home Research Thought Leadership In the Media

How Youngsters Face Setbacks

20 Jun 2018
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心靈走火警——年輕人如何面對挫折

筆者在大學工作多年,見過不少文化背景各異的學生,最近這幾年也處理過一些學業上有問題的學生個案。在這裏與大家分享一下我對學生如何面對挫折的看法。

學生遇到挫折,通常的反應就是沒有行動,不作出過激的反應是好事,但是許多時候沒有行動,實際上是消極逃避。

逃避不是辦法

同學A是個南亞學生,成績卓越,但是到了最後階段卻無故遲交畢業論文,導師和校方都找不到他,最後他自動出現,原來早前他須要籌辦與身在印度的未婚妻的婚事,忙碌得不可開交;由於成績一向優異,雙親與女方父母一直沒有想到他在學業上出了問題。他一直想盡辦法解決,卻都不得要領,如果能一早坦然面對問題,大概不必虛耗那麼多光陰。

同學B是本地生,來自單親家庭,家裏不僅沒錢資助她讀書,反而依賴她支持,她幾乎全職補習,以致荒廢了學業。

學院問她為什麼沒有註冊,她回覆沒有交學費,電腦系統不容許她登入註冊;問她為什麼不交學費,她說沒有錢;問她為什麼不申請政府貸款,她說過了申請期限;為什麼過了期限?因為她家人不想公開財政狀況。來自貧窮家庭的孩子犯了僅僅一個錯誤,不及時處理,往往就難有翻身的機會,不像中產和富有人家總有迴旋的餘地。

切忌反應過激

反應過激是另一種常見行為。同學C是內地來港的高考狀元,在大學表現一直都很優秀,可惜最後一年成績一落千丈,瀕臨退學邊緣。原來在之前的暑假,她到了一所心儀的公司實習,原先期望該公司會發出聘書,讓她畢業之後回來工作,無奈事與願違,公司並沒有這樣做。對於這個晴天霹靂,她不知所措以致整個人都崩潰了,讀書的信心隨之完全摧毀。相對於她的反應所帶來的破壞,原先那個挫折實在微不足道。

大家想想,假如C朗拿度在一場重大賽事的首10分鐘表現失準,因而感到懊悔沮喪,無法在餘下的賽事回復水準,那會是多麼遺憾的事。

憤怒和敵意也是常見的反應。同學D在最後一個學期修了筆者一門課,期末成績公布之後,給我發了一個憤慨的電郵,指摘我給他的成績太低,以致他的平均積點不符合他僱主的聘用條件;換句話說,我令他失去一份工作。這番指摘,並沒有對他自己或者筆者造成實質的傷害,然而這種諉過於人的態度若加諸別的事情,卻可能造成很壞的影響。

如何面對挫折?我覺得有幾個原則可以參考。首先,我們得弄清問題的嚴重性,許多時候事情並沒有我們初時想像得那麼糟糕,而且有補救方法;即使不能補救,有時塞翁失馬,焉知非福。現在名滿天下的索羅斯,年輕時其實想在倫敦經濟學院修讀哲學博士,由於不獲錄取,才走上投資之路。若是他當時很順利讀了哲學,可能在一所三流的學校教書終老,遠沒有現在的影響力。

第二,我們要檢討原先的期待是否合理,是否已經考慮了犯錯的空間。以同學D為例,平均積點是4年學業共修大約60門課的結果,若一門課的成績不太理想,他的平均積點便不達標,那至少表示原本的目標緩衝不足,出現問題應屬意料之內。有目標是好事,但要有「謀事在人,成事在天」的認知,同時要避免訂立過高的目標,又以為成功是理所當然的事情。

重過程非結果

對於同學想讀博士學位這個目標,筆者一向反應審慎。數年前筆者擔任所屬學院的一項碩士課程的主任,在一個招生講座中遇到兩個很真誠的外校同學。我了解過他們的情況,便勸他們不要報讀我們的課程,先出來社會工作一段時間再作打算,我也坦白指出他們讀博士學位的目標是不切實際的。我請他們在樓下的快餐店喝咖啡,聊了很久,他們聽我勸勉,雖然暫時放棄夢想,卻很感激我。

第三,如果我們如實觀察世界,就得承認,自己並不是那麼獨一無二,世界以至全宇宙,都不是以自己為中心運轉,生老病死是我們不能改變的規律,世間也有許多無常的事情,一家公司今年只有兩個空缺,它給了John和Liza之後,便不能給Peter和Nancy以及其他許許多多的申請者。上天並沒有理由坑害我們,也沒有責任特別眷顧我們。只要了解這個道理,遇到不如意的事情,就容易接受得多了。

第四,這是比較根本的問題,到底我們怎樣才能快樂呢?一般人的看法是只知外求,譬如考試成績優異,有一份理想工作,受到別人嘉許,父母可以為我們感到驕傲,等等。凡此種種,都不是我們單方面所能決定的,這樣尋找快樂注定困難。相反,如果快樂能夠不假外求,即根據自己的初心和所信奉的高尚的原則行事,着重過程而不是結果,此時要獲得持久的快樂就有把握得多。遇到挫折的時候,只要反躬自問,確認沒有違背一己原則,那麼求仁得仁,就沒有什麼懊悔之處了。

走火警防挫折

在香港要進大學並不容易,能夠進香港大學可說難上加難。相對於他們的同輩,港大的學生遇到人生挫折的機會要少得多,因此一旦遇上不如意事,往往不知所措,筆者希望以上幾點能發揮建設性的作用。火災是我們不願見到的事情,人類因此發明了走火警練習;生命中的挫折也是我們不願見到的,因此必須事先做好準備。若是準備得宜,則挫折反而可能變成我們奮力向前,再闖高峰的機遇。

 

趙耀華 香港大學經濟及工商管理學院副教授
(本文同時於二零一八年六月廿日載於《信報》「龍虎山下」專欄)

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